Temerity Jane

So I got this peer recognition award at work for my ass-kickiness during tax season this year. I’ve gotten them before, they come with a certificate, a nice letter using corporate-speak to tell you how corporately awesome you are (team player, good attitude, talk of things “crossing desks,” of “tackling,” of “dedication to a vision”) and a $20 gift card.

All the other ones I have gotten (I did mention I was awesome, didn’t I?) have been for Best Buy (woo hoo!), but, blast it all, this month was for Borders.

But TJ, you say. TJ. You’re trying to save money! And we all know that when she-geeks like you aren’t working, playing video games, dicking around on the internet or checking out how your boobs look in that top, you’re reading! $20! You’re going to save $20.

No, no. The exact opposite is true. A $20 gift card to Borders certainly does NOT save me $20.

See, when you’re going to Best Buy, you’re probably going there to get more RAM. Or another monitor for your sweet dual-screen set up. Or something else that costs significantly more than $20. So yes, when you take your $20 gift card to Best Buy, you are, indeed, saving yourself $20.

But who SAVES UP for books? Who hears about a great book, lusts after it for months, feverishly hoarding their pennies until they can scurry off and acquire it? No one! Not me, anyway, so as far as I’m concerned… No one! No, you wander into Borders, you poke around, you lose track of time, you pick up this and that and look for things you can’t really recall the title or author of, but you know there was a mention somewhere in it of reuben sandwiches and you think the cover was blue?

And do you know what a $20 gift card to Borders is? It’s not a money saving device. No. It is a REASON. It is a reason to convince yourself to set foot into that moneysuck. You tell yourself and you tell yourself, look, self, you’re on a tight budget right now. We’re going on a trip, remember? Wee! A trip! So, self, let’s just take this little $20 card and buy ourselves $20 worth of books with the pretend money, and go on home.

To quote to great Wayne Campbell…

Chyeah, right. And monkeys might fly out of my butt.

So, self. I hope you’re happy with yourself. Er, happy with me. Whatever.

And I hope you like the taste of paper, because guess what you’re eating this weekend!